foolosophical soliloquy

There comes a point in our lives when the heart grows tired.   It stops beating, believing in love.  It runs out of compassion, softened by pain, hardened by tears.  Not because it grew numb or insensitive, but because it simply wants to move on… and live an uncomplicated life.

Da Da Da Da
The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You’re probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and center, clarity,
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS:]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It’s personal, myself and I
We’ve got some straightenin’ out to do
And I’m gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I’ve got to get a move on with my life
It’s time to be a big girl now
And big girls don’t cry
Don’t cry
Don’t cry
Don’t cry

Big Girls Don’t Cry – Fergie

Today is the last day you’ll ever hurt me…

I normally make lists of my things to do.   I am quite an OC on making my lists.  When I learned Excel during my first stint at CoA, I made sure my tasks would have formats, auto-colors, would remind me of which task is up in the line.  Hehe. So OC.  Hey, I got good raves from my clients for being, shall we say, organized.  

Today, is the first time I’m putting in a list for those good friends who would want to make me happy 5 days from now. hehe.  It’s not a wish list – but a want list.  Things I wanted to buy for myself (yeah, Drei said I could have bought them myself), but never got around to buying them because I felt I don’t need them really – thus the term – the WANT LIST.

1.  Apple iPOD Video – In white, 30GB (but if you can add up to the few bucks and make it 80GB, I’ll kiss you extra!).  I’m such a music freak – though I’m not into the latest songs these days.  I remember, a lazy day in the office, when Drei and I got into singing lots of oldies song – the kids at work (yes, the new hires) didn’t quite get it. Hahaha.  Cheers to Saigon, Rent and Aegis!!! (I don’t think I’d be putting the Aegis songs in the ipod – don’t worry).

2. Nokia 7390 – In pink.  Yes, I have a decent phone now.  Finally.  I remember my old phone lasting me for the past 3 years, and it already has a mind of its own when to drop the call.  I have a Nokia 6300 as a gift – though I was planning on buying the Nokia 7390.  Why pink?  I don’t know.   I’m cathching up on becoming ladylike hehe.

3.  A Puppy – Yorkshire terrier – I miss my doggies.  I remember when they had the litter, I’d be spending my Sundays drying off 5 puppies + 2 adult dogs (I didn’t have to blowdry the askal so one less).   Not that I want the poop-picking and all that again.  I miss having to come home, and somebody’s waiting for me.   Or when I’m sad, somebody’s there to cuddle.  Yeah, Tuffy used to do that.

Want to make my day complete?  Pick one – and send it over )

Am i beginning to be materialistic? Hehehe.

I’ve been busy.  I kept on writing posts – but haven’t really publishing them yet.  They’re all in this one word document somewhere in my laptop that I can’t seem to find any more.  I found one, where there were earlier, unedited posts – but I can’t remember the password!!!! WTF!!!

That aside, today marks my first anniversary.  Happy Anniversary to me.  One year – out of CoA.  One year – in CoB.  Who would have thought I’d still be here?  Hahaha. 

I know this post is quite lame.  I’m really trying to find the old posts. Once I get ‘em up, I’m putting all those up. hehe.

It’s been months since I’ve posted anything (with or without sense!) in this blog.  Earlier this week, as I was thinking of what to do, I had to think a good 30 minutes to recall my blog.  I’ve been moving for the past months – can’t decide on which blog is good.  The thought of hosting my own blog came into passing, but I wasn’t able to do anything about it really.  Maybe when the time comes that I can post regularly again, I’ll kick my a*s to get one.  

A First post for the year

I just spent my December the usual.  Well, not entirely usual.  This is my first Christmas break on a supposed “forced” leave.  CoB has this forced Christmas leave for everybody.  The funny thing, CoA apparently has the similar thing this year – or rather last year 2006, due to business need.  I found myself thinking on what I would be doing for those days.  Shopping?  Sleeping? Vacation?  The ideas haven’t even warmed yet when I received word that I need to work on the two days in the 4 days leave.  Great, 2 less days I thought.  I planned to have dinner with a friend coming in from Singapore for the Christmas break, and the other day for bumming around.  I was really looking forward for those two days when on the first day (when I’m supposed to have dinner with friends), I decided to check on my emails in case I have something urgent.  And yes, I did.  I ended up sending a message to those people coming in (since I was the supposed organizer) that I won’t be able to make it.  By the time I finished, it was almost 10pm, and they’re already in starbucks.  So I guess, the Christmas break wasn’t entirely unusual.  I just didn’t have to go in at shutdown-startup activities anymore.   

Belated merry Christmas, folks!  Thanks, 2006, for another year.  

The Second time

Last night, a group of colleagues (buddies) went to our place.  Finally, the drinking-singing plan became a reality.  We bought drinks and food from the supermarket and drove to our place.    The group was made up of the original Friday tubatels group.  Tubatels, as I learned, is the term for two bottles.  Of course, often time it’s really two bottles, with occasional one or two slips every now and then. Hehe. This time, we decided to take it into a higher limit though.  Vodka, Fundador (some of it) and Baileys.  Yum.  We have a personal, expert bartender (Drei has magic hands!) and a magic sing (extreme!). It was a fun night.  My first time to have foreplay in 4 shots, and got a 95 in the magic sing (I love Roy’s magic sing!!!!).   I had fun. It was my first time to have friends over for a drinking spree (Yes, I’m becoming a teenager hehehe).  I’m just so “sorry” that I wasn’t able to see the group off.  HD had to do it for me.  Why?  It’s my second time to get drunk. *sheesh* The first one, same lesson 1 and 3 but with a different drink – traitor Toska Vodka.  Here’s how it happened (yes, there’s a logical explanation for everything.)  I felt really full from the coffee talk’s baked macaroni though I didn’t enjoy it.   When we ate dinner, I had just a bit of food because I felt full, or so I though.  Lesson 1 relearned, never drink (much) when there’s less than half of my stomach full.  I already felt I was a bit tipsy, so I heat up some water to drink coffee.  Blame it on the movies, or the age old voice telling that a good black coffee works. Lesson 2 newly learned from HD’s expertise, cold water is better than black coffee.  He should know *wink wink*.  I was half-way on my coffee when I went inside the room to ask HD that I needed to lie down for just a tiny bit.  (Aside from the fact that I was tipsy-turvy already, I wanted to ask him to join the group… and I have an idea on how to go about it… ) He didn’t quite hear me as he was busy in the laptop, else he would have screamed and worked on getting my head straight up.  As soon as my head tilted, the spinning started and the vortex swirled faster and faster.  Lesson 3 relearned the 2^nd time, never lie down until the intoxication wears off, or in HD’s term, mahulasan.  And when it finally did, I slept straight out.  (And he had to join the group. He’s such a dear… Hehehe.. And he’ll never know it was “intentional sabotage” coz he never reads this anyway) He did woke me up a bit to tell me he’ll be going to the office already, and I woke up 5am, sans-headache but so, so hungry I could eat a whole chicken (the one where they cut off those buffalo wings) !!!  Of course, I texted everybody (except magic sing as I don’t have his number) to apologize (and see if anyone’s awake hahaha).  HD was amazed though.  He normally sleeps half the day through to recover.   I couldn’t sleep anymore when I woke up so I got to do the chores.  No hang over from the drink, but lots of clothes hanging to do. (and apparently time to spare to write this post, before actually posting it at the blog.  What else can you do at 5am????) 

And The Last…

In previous CoA, I was listing the number of persons leaving.  The highest rate was the year that I left.  We made it to a lucky 13, I think.  Now in CoB, I’m making a similar list.  People leave CoA generally for higher pay, searching for a better management.  People leave CoB searching for better work experience. 

Tonight is J’s last Friday at CoB.  It was quite funny because he came into the group a month after me.  The group, presented during the New Hire Presentation was called Paroyka ni Cesar, after one of the members who did not want to be called Cesar.  Last September, there were 6 of them who joined.  As of Feb. 14 this year, there would only be two. (and yes, Cesar is still with that two head counts.)   Aside from that group, there were other people – some I know, most of them I never talked to since my day 1 – who left, and would be leaving I guess.   

I’m surprised at some reasons, but never quite surprise for the most.  There are people who leave because just like that someone I know so well, they went looking for gold, but found ginger.  Some didn’t like ginger ale.  Some didn’t like the idea as well.  Well, as for me, it’s good that I can cook with lots of ginger.  But then again, for how long?

It was just another day for me today.  I got up as the alarm snoozed for the nth time.  I slept early (3am) after some vodka cocktails last night (or early this morning).  It was just about time.  I went to my normal routine of checking my mails as I prepared breakfast.  Yesterday, I received a message that we were supposed to work back in our HQ because the client’s building had some major power problems (again).  I need to get my permanent laptop (the one that crashed last week) in our building, so I decided to just work from there, and if needed, go to the client in the afternoon.  
 

I have never been comfortable in an elevator.  As a kid, I remember clutching tightly my nanay or tatay when we ride one to tatay’s office or wherever.  That’s why the first time I ever encountered a glitch in an elevator – the elevator sort of stopped for a millisecond that seemed like forever while I was going up to the 22^nd Floor of the client’s building, I was doomed.  I was petrified.  

It was as if it wasn’t enough, after the Milenyo break, it happened once more.  I had to walk from the 22^nd floor to the ground because the elevators weren’t working.  The afternoon after, I could barely walk.  That walk I had to endure for a good 3-5 days.  So it is therefore of good and humane justification for my cause and safety that I decided to go to HQ today.   

To get to work, I walk over the overpass to flag a bus to ride.  Today, I plan to do just that.  I passed by the yellow beetle at the end of the street, walk out of the village gate, and up the overpass.  (Background music: “Naglalakad parang timang…  tila ba’ng ligaya niyo’y walang katapusan…” ) I just got down the last step, and was stepping down to the main road when I twisted my ankle.  I almost fell.  Or I think I did.  I’m not sure.  All I know was that my ankle’s hurting like hell.   

I made a small step — and squeezed my eyes, and bit my lips to prevent screaming.  I had to go back at home.  But how in the hell can I climb those stairs and walk again???  Next thing I know, I flagged a taxi down (after receiving much sermon that I should have just taken the overpass), asked him to take me across to my place, and called up my team lead.  I won’t be able to make it to work.  Last time I took chance on this kind of incident; I could barely remove my shoes from the swollen foot and had to stay in bed for a week.  I don’t want that again.  Now I’m sitting here across my laptop, my right foot propped in a chair, and iced every 20 minutes or so.  I wanted to go to the hospital in a while, but I’m not sure if this is too petty or not.  Anyway, I needed to get some work done first. Screw the party that I’ve been looking forward to for some time now.    

Was it purely coincidental that this happened after that major power glitch at the petrify building?  

*~*~*~*~* 

Before I forget: belated happy birthday to my Joyz, Chichi and happy birthday to Chelle today.

I believe a lot of things.  I believed in Santa Claus.  I remembered putting up a big blanket to serve as the Christmas “sack” for the bicycle that I asked for my little brother.  I believed that there’s always something to look forward to, that the sun will shine after the rain.  I believe in second chances, and that people deserve second chances as well.   I do.   Because I felt that I did, and people around me deserves that much as well. 

But how come I can’t now?  

I feel betrayed.  I felt like being thrown overboard a ship I used to be sailing on for so long.  Jealousy?  Envy?  My best friend thought so.   Or maybe because, my best friend doesn’t know how the story goes according to me.   

Battling the sea was never my preference.   Given the choice, I would rather sit by the sand; take the pictures of the beach, the sea, and the sun.  The choppy waters give me creeps.  Being in the middle of water, seeing no land and just a deep blue below makes me nervous.  But someone held my hand.  While I chatter away my anxiety, someone listened and smiled.  As I look apprehensively in the horizon, someone comforted me.   Someone assured me of safety, and that they’ll always be there.  The waters didn’t seem to be that bad anymore.  

But the wind somehow knocked me out of the ship.  Somehow, I didn’t see that coming.  I got comfortable on the stern, and forgot to check the weather.  I guess, based on my personal experience on our weather forecasting doesn’t give a much of a believer in me.  Don’t blame me.   

Trying hard not to sink to the bottom, the cold starts to get into me.  The cramp may start to kick in anytime soon.  I fished around, and manage to see a floating wood.  I guess I can hang on a bit for now.  Maybe a lifesaver is destined to snap out anytime soon.  Maybe a totally different rescue boat will come out in the horizon.   It’s good that I learned how to float.

A friend of mine asked me why I haven’t been writing as before.  The answer: I’m getting by.  

I remember a question asked during the Image presentation seminar.  They asked each participant a life changing moment.  Some told of their commitment to serve God, some of a new baby in the family.  Mine was pretty simple.  It was my first job, in an IT consulting, in the city.   

My first job lasted for almost five years in a 24/7 manufacturing firm where makeup is prohibited in critical production areas, and eight hours isn’t enough to finish the day’s work.  From the wide fields and roads I drove each day, now I wait for a cab to take me a short should be 15min distance that takes 30-45 min, if I got lucky.  Eating in a cafeteria with the same taste but can be bought in at least three different colors, versus the new, more expensive, but wider range of variety of fast foods, restaurants, and styro-packed meals from manong at the stairs.  Nescafe vendo A4 machine (which is free at the client’s building) worth 7php each, turned to Starbucks, Figaro, Seattle’s best, or Nescafe vendor café mocha (still make me sleepy though).  This decision, to move to the city, and move away from the comfort zone is really one of my life’s be-fining moments.  

Nope. That wasn’t a typo.  I initially wrote (or rather typed) defining.  But I guess defining would be limited to the intellect of the idea.  It’s be-fining — that of being fine, becoming fine.  Yep.  That’s me.  I am fine.

You can’t soar with the eagles

when you’re sitting with the turkeys.

*~*~*~*~* 

Andrea, while sipping Starbucks frappe, nonchalantly said: “Rent a cow”.

Apple asked: “For what?”

Andrea, enjoying the frappe, replied: “Then the sitting eagle gets to be elevated”.

*~*~*~*~* 

Blame it on the frappe.  Blame the incessant smoke of red marlboro from the person Andrea calls Cheska Olive.  Blame it on the weather, the stress from work, the expectations, the frustrations.  There’s just one thing for sure:  Should the sitting eagle decides to take Andrea’s suggestion seriously, sitting eagle would definitely be higher than the turkeys, but would not be soaring as high as he is destined to be.

*~*~*~*~*

Dec. 7th update: Andrea’s idea won.  Eagle decided to stay put.  Was it really an eagle?  Or is just another turkey? Chicken little perhaps?